happy birthday zann! hope you had a great day today and we shall have a smashing seventeen together (: really amazing how friendship can be forged in such a short few months. I am glad to have her with me(:
Sometimes i do feel that having a high EQ is a bad thing. its like a ticking bomb in your head and it can go off anytime, causing you to explode. Its scary how i actually have complete control over my own emotions but i chose not to because i rather be normal and let things around me determined my emotions and feelings and behave like a normal teenager with the constant emoness because “i dunno how i feel”. the ever present phrase hanging at the tip of our tongues. My emotions and thoughts can be switch easily just like an electronic device. Frightening. Even if something disastrous happened, and yet i want myself to feel happy, i can simply shut out that negative emotion and feel elated effortlessly as if nothing had gone wrong. If i am happy and yet i want to be emo, i can just start nurturing negative thoughts and i will actually feel depressed. which is what i am feeling now.
It frightens me to know how i was happy one moment and looking forward to the weekend, but all of a sudden, i just implanted this heart wrenching thought in my head, and here i am. Feeling depressed as if nothing is right. To the point whereby i probably can just start self mutilating. The worse part is that i know none of my thought is true because its simply my imagination and yet i can feel this way. For instance, i just have to imagine this girl losing everything she has in her life and maybe touchwood, her parents just left her in this world to fight on her own, and i feel depressed. I feel as if i am her and that is my life at the moment. The whole thing is FICTION what the hell. What is wrong with me. Its probably a no wonder why i can always relate to people easily, empathise with them and actually feel the heart ache. All i need is just to plant a thought in my head and it will start growing. Until i decided to uproot it. So if i am feeling masochistic and decides to feel depress, its not that hard. Just that i rather be normal most of the time and let my surrounding determines my feelings.
Is two different people at work everyday. Its my choice to choose which side of me i choose to be. I often wonder if i am schizophrenic. i probably am. since you cant cure depression like ever. so tired to keep switching between my two selves. Which explains why schizo and bipolar people sometimes just give up controlling which side of them to be. Its not impossible. Its just a matter of choice.
because of this, i am always fickle. the two different me look out for two different things in life and have two complete different objectives in life. Its just like how i always say i dont believe that true love exist and i do not want to get married but yet there is a voice in my head telling me how my future will be revolving around my kids and a happy family. That one day, i will start believing again. These contradicting thoughts really drive me insane sometimes. And currently, its still a fight between the two voices. How things will end up will depend on which voice manage to convince me in the end. No matter what, he will still be the victim. and i hate how things have to be this way.
So tired of arguing with myself and feeling for everyone everyday. I just want a day for myself, whichever self it is. And i dont want to feel so schizo. It sucks and its scary. Like one is telling you to self mutilate while the other is cursing you for being stupid. something like that. inner conflict…
I cant breathe anymore. All these are pushing my head and supressing it under water. I wonder when i will finally give up struggling.