Walls up.

Both CCAs in general are no longer so hectic. though, ironically, after season, training will be crazy. And it will also be the period where house comm stuff will be piling up. somehow dreading it but looking forward too.

The three days weekend had been fulfilling i guess. Caught up with friends and i guess thats all i need. Sitting around, reminiscing the past and catching up. Definitely need more time to do that though. Still have a list of friends whom i have yet to caught up with in a long time. Manage to get things out of my chest and definitely make things lighter for me. Looking happy, sounding happy, and feeling happy are three different things. Perhaps the only good thing about smses is that a smiley face covers everything. No one notices the sadness with a smiley face. The world immediately assumes you are fine. Maybe things are better that way.

Had the worst nightmare of my life last night. Its so horrible and the lingering fear and heart wrenching feeling is still so vivid. Witnessing death of your best friends is worse than experiencing your own. your heart just get shreded into pieces and gosh, the tears just cant stop flowing. I dont ever want my nightmare to come true.

I guess at some point in time, people get tired. Tired of routines, tired of thinking, tired of making decisions, tired of feeling, tired of trying, and tired of waiting.

Given a choice, i probably wouldnt want this. i know you will be tired, sooner or later. But because of the way i am, i can’t help. I am fighting to help, but i can’t.

Its funny how i never learn from some of my lessons :l

I have no idea if its the insecurity, the lack of believe, or i am just born not to love, i am building my walls up. I am afraid it will be even more impenetrable than before. I have no idea why i have to be so hard on myself. Behind these walls, i am screaming, shouting deseperately for help. I know if i dont help myself, no one can help me. But as the walls get higher, thicker, stronger, my hope dimisishes. I am getting tired of trying. Perhaps, i will give up, and end up getting locked in forever. I hate that thought, but maybe its the best way out. For me to completely give up, and never to see the sunshine again.

“Love is like a battlefield; even if you manage to survive, you will be badly wounded.”

I remember telling myself that ever since 15. It just slipped my mind for a few moment and i started a new war. how careless of me.

Kaylin babe, dont be too influenced by me and keep that faith. I believe things will work out fine for you. Dont end up being as disillusioned as me. You can do this, and i give you both all my blessings. I will be here for you <3 and i promise no alcohol nor glass shards or whatever. at least for the time being. haha. i will be fine. and so will you (:


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