How?

I havent been posting for quite a while… Too much ups and downs in my life, mostly downs i must say and too much things on hand that i dont even feel like talking about it actually. Perhaps i shouldnt even be posting here but i need an outlet. I just cant keep up with this pretence anymore, which surprisingly manage to hide all my problems and no one actually figures out that i am bursting. I guess everyone just doesnt wish to speak of their problems sometimes. Not because they have none or they cant, but rather, they chose not to.

Lets just start off with the most shallow and unimportant shit. Academics. I used to really not care about tests and exams or maybe i should say i have no issues with it at all. Despite not studying for it and everything, i manage an A without much effort. I obviously left this luck in secondary school and JC doesnt seem to be going in my way. True enough no one is scoring exceptionally well, and a boderline pass is probably considered really good, but i have my expectation. Maybe my perspective is narrow, i look at the Grade and not the overall bell curve crap. Amazingly, i care. I cant comprehend why, but i do. Habits die hard. Procrastination and slacking have long been rooted in me and i have no idea how to get rid of those two. Oh well.

I must say school life isnt really much of a down, but academics and school life come hand in hand. I cant possibly love school if i cant stand all the tests grades lectures and current syllabus. In terms of friends, i should think there isnt much of a problem and i am loving my JC friends. Though the usual “i miss secondary school” (quote almost everyone i know) still applies.

Sometimes i dont know what i am doing or what i am thinking. Everything is just so screwed up. I want to be upfront about this but i have no idea how to go about doing it. I dont want to screw things up. But both ways, i cant take it. I need things to be resolved miraculously because i am suffocating. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT I WANT. I wish, i wish so hard that i can just be a cold blooded bitch and dont give a damn about this whole thing, i will be so much easier. but i can’t. I tried, and i am failing. Its just so tough. It definitely crosses the line for both, but i need to figure out what it means. Where everything is actually heading and how i should go about it. I need a direction, or at least, some sign to give me hints on my next step. What i should do so that it will be the best for both. Fuck. seriously. I have no idea what is right, how i feel, what will happened. I wish things can stay as status quo because then, i wont have to worry about anything. but i know it wont and i have to deal with it, sooner or later. Perhaps that is the reason why i have been running away from it for the past one month, i am so tired of coming back to the same problem. Its like hopping on a bus that loops back to the same stop over and over and over again and again. Its so sickening but i cant get out of it unless i have decided on a stop to alight. The thing is, i am afraid i will be lost at the stop, i have no confidence in myself to make the right decision, so i chose to be a coward and keep looping, making both sides, and myself miserable. I know i overthink, but i am too afraid to lose anything, because i cant afford to. I am not as strong as i portray myself to be.

I need a break dammit. No actually i dont, i need someone to tell me what to do, or some directions. I need someone to listen. Really listen to what i have got to say. Or maybe, i dont even want to say it.

And it kicks so hard,
it breaks your bones.
Cuts so deep
it hits your soul.
Tears your skin and
makes your blood flow.
It’s better that you know,
That love is hard.

Love takes hostages,
gives them pain.
gives someone the power to
hurt you again and again
oooh, but they don’t care

-love is hard by James Morrison
 
 
I will hang on. I will cry it all out maybe and find some way to keep things going. I will depend on myself.
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